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Post by Makaveli on Oct 19, 2005 21:04:26 GMT -5
Post any of your favorite or newly heard jokes in here, . Start off with my lame joke that I heard like 6 years ago... What do Monica Lewinski and a vending machine have in common? They both have Bills in them... Yeah, crappy...I know, Lol
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Post by Kàšøn™ on Oct 19, 2005 21:23:45 GMT -5
and lets try and not post any racial jokes. even tho i have one
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Post by Makaveli on Oct 19, 2005 21:25:13 GMT -5
Anything offensive will be removed, as its against the rules.
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Post by voteforpedro on Oct 19, 2005 21:30:27 GMT -5
i agree no racial comments please theres no room for racials slurs in the world
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Post by Shadow on Oct 19, 2005 21:32:44 GMT -5
Alright a joke from http://www.ahajokes.com:
Blonde Sky Divers A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Another one:
Don't say this to a cop The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Post by ajstyles95 on Oct 20, 2005 3:24:03 GMT -5
lol I have a lame joke thats quite lame or something.
Call 666 and....
Police will be coming upside down to arrest ya
It's lame isn't it?
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Post by F-U_Six_One_9 on Oct 20, 2005 13:58:14 GMT -5
I got one..I just heard from my co-worker...
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.
"You son of a bitch" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.
"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."
I know F'ed up..but it's funny to me..
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Post by Kàšøn™ on Oct 20, 2005 16:14:04 GMT -5
^^Thats good, but i's f'ed up this joke is called "How to get out of a traffic ticket" A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! The first time i heard that, it cracked me up.
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Post by Enigma on Oct 22, 2005 20:08:40 GMT -5
2 dogs stand talking in a park.
1st dog: When you go around the block fucking all those other dogs do you use any protection? 2nd dog: No. Do you Rex?
Think about it!
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Post by Simple Plan's #1 Fan! on Oct 25, 2005 4:57:43 GMT -5
"The First Time!" A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over one Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic as he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some advice and condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a three-pack, a ten-pack or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she says. "Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a bloody pharmacist."
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Post by ajstyles95 on Oct 25, 2005 5:10:48 GMT -5
lol this was kinda lame joke which i was told about 5 years ago when i was in primary school...heres that one. There were 3 boys who went fishing one day...They're named Shut Up,Manners and Nobody...Then when Nobody dropped in the river... and manners went to the toilet,Shut Up went to report to a police...the police asked him what was he name,he just said shut up...the police asked where's his manners....he said that it was in the toilet.the police asked why is he wasting time...he said nobody fell into the river lol lame eh?
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Post by Simple Plan's #1 Fan! on Oct 25, 2005 5:22:11 GMT -5
Lmao, I remember that one!
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Post by Violent Ken on Oct 27, 2005 1:42:42 GMT -5
i'm going to do this if i'm ever pulled over anyway here's mine it's a mitch hedberg joke, actually there's two so... read one at a time or you'll crack a rib Do Not Disturb I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It's time to go with Don't Disturb, it's been do not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. Don't Disturb, Do Not sykes you out. Do.. Alright i can disturb this guy... Not... SHIT... I need to read faster! Vending Machines Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap comes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. What candy bar are you getting? That one, and every one on the bottom row! I wanna make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be REALLY FUCKIN BIG! I was gonna get a candy bar, the button was HH. So i went to the side, found the H button, pushed it twice. Potatoe chips came out because they had an HH button. You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CC's... God God Damnit Damnit!
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Post by F-U_Six_One_9 on Oct 27, 2005 12:25:10 GMT -5
LOL! that's kool.I've heard of that one before though..
here's one.
FIRE?
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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Post by Kàšøn™ on Oct 27, 2005 19:00:25 GMT -5
lol, that ones great F-U
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